because of you, i am afraid.

because of you, i am afraid.
because of you, im scared of getting hurt.
because of you, i scared to love.

i dont think you understand how much of an impact you've had on me. Your fights, your lame excuses and your unnecessary lies about everything. I am afraid i will turn out like you. I dont want that, i want to be independent and honest. i want to be someone nice that people feel comfortable talking to, Noting like you guys.

When i get kids, i want to be the best mom. I want to have a good relationship with them. I want to be the one they come and talk to if they ever feel down or if they just feel like talking. I dont want my kids to be like me. I dont want them to keep everything inside of them and feel bad about themselves. I want to be there every step of the way, like a best friend. but a mother. I never had that. Sure, i have a good relationship with my mom sometimes, but we never talk about things, she never really cares about anything else but school and herself. If i turn out that way, i dont want to have kids. I dont want them feeling this way. It sucks. It sucks to sleep maximum 5 hours every night, waking up crying and shaking because you had a nightmare. It sucks to think that everything would be better if i wasn't here, But i would, everything would have been better without me here. I think people around would've been happier.

You know the song 'lego house' by Ed sheeran? anyway, he's singing 'im gonna pic up the pieces and build a lego house. When things go wrong, we can knock it down'.... i wish my life was like a lego house, then i would've been able to knock it down every time i made a mistake, which seems to be a lot. I couldve had taken away the old pieces, and the pieces that were broken. I wouldve been able to keep the happy pieces, and just be happy. i would like that. no. i would actually love that.