Fat.

fat. fat. fat. i dont want to be fat anymore.
I want to be skinny. i want to have a good body. i want a thigh gap. I want a flat belly.
i dont want to have arms, huge legs and an enormous belly.
I cant do this. I dont want this inside of me. I dont want the food. I dont want to eat it nor keep it.
I dont want my friends to worry about me, because i know what they would have to go through, ive been in that situation.
I dont want them to know. I should just keep smiling and act like nothings wrong. Thats probably the best thing to do. I only have to fake a smile until im skinny. And hopefully by then, ill be able to actually smile. I dont know. I dont know if im here by then, because i dont want to do this anymore.

- if i starve myself, will i get skinny then?
- if i try every fucking diet, will i get skinny then?
- if i work out a lot, will i get skinny then?
- if i throw up, will i get skinny then?

i am going to get skinny. i dont care about what i have to do to get there.

because of you, i am afraid.

because of you, i am afraid.
because of you, im scared of getting hurt.
because of you, i scared to love.

i dont think you understand how much of an impact you've had on me. Your fights, your lame excuses and your unnecessary lies about everything. I am afraid i will turn out like you. I dont want that, i want to be independent and honest. i want to be someone nice that people feel comfortable talking to, Noting like you guys.

When i get kids, i want to be the best mom. I want to have a good relationship with them. I want to be the one they come and talk to if they ever feel down or if they just feel like talking. I dont want my kids to be like me. I dont want them to keep everything inside of them and feel bad about themselves. I want to be there every step of the way, like a best friend. but a mother. I never had that. Sure, i have a good relationship with my mom sometimes, but we never talk about things, she never really cares about anything else but school and herself. If i turn out that way, i dont want to have kids. I dont want them feeling this way. It sucks. It sucks to sleep maximum 5 hours every night, waking up crying and shaking because you had a nightmare. It sucks to think that everything would be better if i wasn't here, But i would, everything would have been better without me here. I think people around would've been happier.

You know the song 'lego house' by Ed sheeran? anyway, he's singing 'im gonna pic up the pieces and build a lego house. When things go wrong, we can knock it down'.... i wish my life was like a lego house, then i would've been able to knock it down every time i made a mistake, which seems to be a lot. I couldve had taken away the old pieces, and the pieces that were broken. I wouldve been able to keep the happy pieces, and just be happy. i would like that. no. i would actually love that. 

I can't talk to him.

Hi, i just got off the phone with my uncle. I dont know how to handle this anymore. He's sick and he doesn't care at all. how can he not?
he said "I wont go anywhere, i wont leave you. i never will. You will always be my little girl." I didn't know what to say. He cant decide that. He's sick. what ever can happen.
So here i am again.. sitting infront of my computer writing about whatever's crossing my mind on shitty blog. I dont even get why people read it. i mean, im a mess. it can't be fun read.

I don't think i'll ever learn that my painkillers won't take away my mental pain. so here i am, swallowing a shit load of pills, without any point of doing it. whats wrong with me? WHY can't i be one of those people who has a happy life? what have i dont to deserve this?

right now im trying to write my speech in swedish about the future. when i think about my future,  i dont see anything. I dont see myself doing anything in the future. To me, my future is black, nonexistent. im too stupid to get a job and i'm way to depressed to live like this for the rest of my life.

But for now.. i just want you to stay with me. I want you to stay strong and never ever give up.

breathe.

This song brings up so many emotions. I don't know what to do anymore. It's like i keep walking at the path, never looking up, just keep walking until i hit something really hard or until the i reach the end of the path. I think i might be close to the end now. Im still here though. 

I'm such a coward. I'm scared to end everything, because what if i fail? How would my best friends react? how would they feel if i left them? I guess they are the one who keeps me alive. 

It feels like im losing my family for real. My dad's grandfather is my role model for sure, He's academic, a writer and a professor. He's old. he's turning 90 next year, im so afraid of losing him. Even though i don't talk to him very much, He's always the one i look up to. My Uncle has leukemia. What would i do without him? i'm afraid of talking to him, because i'm afraid that i'll say something wrong and he will die with a bad picture of me. I tend to do that a lot. Because i never really find the right things to say. 

Then there's my dear grandpa. Rest in piece grandpa, i love you. 

I've basically lost an uncle already. i'm not allowed to see him. 

I'm afraid of death, not my own death, but my friends and my family's death. I don't even think they understand how much i do need them. 

i love them from the bottom of my heart. 

fuck cancer.

Today has been the worst day in a while.
to start with, i had to take a blood test because of my allergies. After that, i went to the gym and worked out (not a bad thing though.). But when we went home my mom told me that she had talked to my uncle. all of a sudden she says "he said that he has leukemia". She looked emotionless. She told me that he has known about for 3 months now. HOW COULD HE NOT TELL US?
He told my mom yesterday and she told me today.
i totally broke when she said it. I cried so much. I honestly dont know what i'd do without him. He's always there for me. He is like an extra dad. He was there when my dad wasn't.
What if i loose him? i dont know if i can handle it. seriously.

Stayed home from school.

so i stayed home from school today. It's the first day after the break and i have a history test. isn't that great? well. im too stupid to go to school. i don't know. I dont want to pretend anymore.
Mom and i had a fight this morning because i didn't want to go to school. She said that i was weak and that i always give up. Maybe that's the truth. it probably is. I am weak and i hate fighting and failing..

Its kind of pathetic.... im sitting here in my bed, crying my eyes out at 8.20 am. Good way to start the day, huh?
not to think of the fact that im mentally broken, It feels like i can't fight the urge to cry sometimes. I can't meet people and i can't fight my inner thoughts. I feel like letting go, maybe it would be better.
What am i doing? I'm failing, im wasting other people's time and love, Im disappointing everybody.
I guess i deserve this. i guess i deserve this pain. Is this Karma? i dont think so, because i've never really done anything bad.
I've got a doctors appointment this thursday. Mostly because of my allergy, but my mom wants me to talk about my insomnia. What am i supposed to say? that im depressed, tired and suicidal? they would've looked me in.

'lights will guide you home', maybe they will. maybe they can take me to a better place, without this pain.

I have never felt this way.

Never have i ever felt this way that i've felt the last months. I've told you, the people who reads this, a lot. I haven't told you everything and i probably never will. There's just things that are too personal. Sounds weird, huh? i mean, i've told you like everything. You must think im a sad excuse of a human being, and i am. I only tell you the sad parts of my life. Maybe, that why i keep this blog. I can write things i want to get out of my head, without worrying about that my family sees it. They dont know about this blog and i find it best that way. I don't want them to pretend even more, i do not want them to pretend that they care about how i feel. I told my mom about my anxiety attacks and she gave me something that would help me sleep, it might seems like a nice gesture, but it was so that i'd go to school.

In this family its all about school, good grades and to be perfect, NO flaws will be accepted.. I don't fit in. I'm failing school, i have terrible grades, Im nowhere near perfect. I was at a lunch with my dad's grandpa yesterday, i just sat there, i didn't say i thing. Because what was i supposed to say? He's a writer, he's a professor, he's an academic man. was i supposed to lie, or be like: "yeah, i'm failing school, i drink and smoke a lot and i might never go to university,". Would he be proud of me, as the person i really am? no. Is my family proud? no. Am i proud? no.
you see, im a disappointment to everyone. Even if this might not be the case, i still think that everybody would be better of without me. Nothing will change that.
My friends would maybe be effected, but i think they would find new friends and be okay without me. I'm not saying that i dont have good friends, because i do, they're everything a girl could ever ask for. Its because if them im still here.

I listened to Jessie J today, I listened to 'Nobody's perfect' and 'Who you are'. I love Jessie J. Somehow, her songs really speaks to me. I can constantly find myself in the middle of it. I watched some live performances of her singing this songs, she has this indescribable look, like if she's about to break, but she's thankful of where she is.
in the begging she sings: 'i stare at my reflection in the mirror, why am i doing this to myself'
everytime i hear that part, i break. everything i held inside my head and the tears i was fighting, everything just fall apart.