the truth about my childhood.

you know how most people are lucky enough to look back and talk about their good childhood?
i'm not one of those people.

It all started in 1996, when i was born. My dad had cancer at the time, he got through it though. i was born with hemophilia, it has never been a problem for me though, a part from the fact that i bruise like a peach and bleed a lot of nose bleed, it's nothing that bothers me.
My parents always had a crappy relationship, so there's always been a lot of fights.
At the age of 5, we moved from this big city to a tiny town on the countryside. i've never really liked it here.
At the age of almost 6, my dad went to jail for about 2 years, i believe. during this time my parents lied about where he was, they said that he was at work. i was too little to understand at the time but i found it a bit strange walking through security checks and being sniffed at by police dogs every now and then. everybody knew but me and nobody told me.
When my dad got home my parents kept fighting, he started hitting my mom and after a while he moved out behind my back. once again, everybody knew but me. One of my friends at the time told me that my dad had moved into her sisters old apartment. After a while, he moved back.
When i was 9, my dad got arrested again, this time right in front of my eyes. It was all planed and our house was invaded by like 20 cops' and the searched through our whole house. It probably the worst thing i've ever been through. My dad missed my 10th birthday (which is a pretty big deal!) and once he got home the fights started again.
i remember watch a documentary about the most powerful gangsters in sweden, I knew that name of every single of them because i had personally met them at some point of my life.
So before i had turned 11 i had seen my dad go to prison twice, beat my mom and literally beat the living crap out of my uncle.
The summer before i turned 12, my dad started beating my mom again, for real this time. and then he made me leave the house with him. So i lived at my grandma's place for a while.
Around christmas the same year my parents told me that they were getting a divorce, i was sad, yet happy about it. though, they never got divorced. I still hope to this very day that they'll get a divorce.
At the age 14 i found this guy, if you asked me back then, i'd say that he was the love of my life. I really liked him. We were together for 8, almost 9 months. He was my first, my first real kiss, my first love, and the guy who took my virginity. He cheated on me. we broke up and didn't talk for a year, and once we started to talk again we were fighting all the time. Today, we're friends.
last summer i stopped swimming after 14 years of doing so and i gained a lot of weight. like 15 kg. on top of that, i started a new school and i didn't know anybody.
throughout the year i met amazing people, though most of them don't have a clue about what i've been through nor that i'm depressed and stuff. I'm just blessed to have those people in my life.


so looking back at this i kind of have an explanation about why I was suicidal at one point, why I'm depressed and why i have trust issues. I've grown up with people lying to me.
I honestly don't think i'd be here if it wasn't for my aunts and my friends.

looking back...

so, in a few years, lets say 10.
we'll be done with our education
we'll hopefully have found our prince charming
we've started a family or planing on it

we don't know what our future holds. we don't know anything at all actually.
I don't even know what i'm going to do next week.
and some day in the future, we'll be looking back.
we'll be visiting our old sites, like our blogs, our tumblr blogs, etc. and we will smile.
no matter how much shit we're going through at the moment, it will get better.
life fucks us up mentally and the only thing we can do is to take it or leave it.
i've been thinking of leaving it loads of times. but i'm still here, aren't i? i can admit, there are still days where i just want to end it all. I'm also sure that this is the way my life will be for a while.
But as if right now, i'm going to take one day at the time.