I'd rather bleed than cry.

I'm sorry. I don't want to go another day feeling like this - worthless and stupid.
I'm not god enough, im never good enough. I dont want tears in the corners of my eyes, threatening to fall all the time, because i dont want people knowing about my pain.
This is kind of my escape, this blog is where i can write what ever i want, when ever i want and nobody would really care. Only a few of my friends knows about this blog. I told them a long time ago, when i started it. I wasn't just being sad all the time. But now i am.
Somehow, im pretty glad that they don't read this blog. I dont want any of them to worry or care. I want them to care about school and their own lives, not mine. I want them to be happy.
If youre reading this; im sorry.

There's some things that you can't find the words to say, but you can express them in writing perfectly fine. Thats why i think i'd have so much better grades if we did writings. I can't raise my hand and answer questions, im too insecure. i dont want to be wrong in front of the class and show everybody that i'm dumb, that im worthless.

I'm sorry mom. Im sorry for everything my dad has done to you the last couple of years. I'm sorry i took out my anger on you, I'm sorry i still do. I'm sorry im a spoiled bitch, you said it yourself, but what do you expect me to be. You raised me this way. Daddy wasn't there, he was in jail. I guess, shopping every weekend took away the pain. Not only my pain as the traumatized kid i was,  but also your own pain of knowing that your husband was in prison again, that he left you with this kid. I'm sorry im not perfect. I really am. I've never been nor will i ever be. I'm sorry for the times you've caught me smoking and gone mad. Im sorry for drinking. I'm sorry for having anxiety attacks. I'm sorry for fighting with you. I'm sorry you had to get your 14 year old daughter birth control and condoms. Im sorry for everything mom. I'm sorry for this morning when you were nothing but nice to me and took care of me because im sick, and i was a total bitch to you because you couldn't buy me a new suitcase. I am really sorry mommy. What hurts the most is the countless times i made you cry. I'm sorry to be a disappointment. Im sorry that im not skinny or pretty. But i love you with every damn piece of my heart. Im sorry i never appreciate the things you do to me. I really am.